Day 25

Honesty seems to be a valuable commodity these days. At some point in history, a hand shake and promise were enough. At least that is what I hear. I love the thought of such an exchange. That word and integrity were, at some level, held esteem. Maybe I am an idealist or prefer to see something that produces hope than horror in all things. But it is apparent that things on this side of heaven can stretch these convictions. So what will we do with this information? How will we respond? Tonight doctors have told me that my brother may be transferred to Borgess PIPP, an acute long-term care facility. Borgess-Pipp is in the top one percent of long-term acute care hospitals in the country for patient satisfaction and statistics published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

The nation's average one-year death rate is 50 percent, but at Borgess-Pipp it's just eight percent. This sounds like a positive, but this is a push by his insurance company because costs are lower for him to be cared for by such a facility. This comes in part because he is currently not a candidate for Mary Free Bed, a rehabilitation facility, primarily because of the infections and the costs. So, today points towards some confusing next steps. With this all being said, I find my hope less in conversations and simple thoughts... but in the dreams of a God large enough to serve. Why? Because hope lives or dies in what we believe. Some of us believe in a career move, relationship, material gain, education, money, trust, church, or almost anything under the sun. But, none of these give me hope. They only have a season to exist and to fulfill a void. Still with this being said, it does not remove us from the pain that is in store, even for those that see the big picture. You see, I love my brother and desire his health to be restored. But frankly speaking, I desire something much deeper at this point. And I can only trust in the author and perfecter of my faith. The one who gives life and is out for all of our best outcomes. So please continue to pray for our family. Some day I will be so thankful to share with you all the stories that I have heard! Pray for those still coming in and out of the ICU. Pray for those around you that may be struggling with life and the efforts involved in it. And remember, no matter how far you have gone or how desperate you feel, that love wins. Those evil and discouraging things that are happening. The brokeness and despair. The missed times and past. They will be redeemed. They will be fixed. Because love wins. Your life matters. Don't give up!

A Wedding & A Funeral

Today was an incredibly full day. For the last 9 months I have been invested in the life of a couple desiring to be married. After hours of conversations and due diligence, we were able to celebrate their effort, patience, and transparency through a ceremony and reception full of laughter and tears. We were able to recognize that life is to be embraced, lived, and made known. Intention was given to every detail and forced us to slow down to witness. All while so many other things in this broken world continue to move about as if they have authority and right. Isn't it realistic to say that we are all constantly busy and inundated by much to do? Maybe better said, we are all going through something? A season that is between a wedding and a funeral. Life, death. Today, ironically, marks the four year anniversary of my father's passing. On the same day that I am cheer-leading a couple about their first days together, I am grieving the loss of a substantial part of who I am. A day in which I received a horrific phone call that slowed down time with information. At 51 years of age, my father passed away due to a massive heart attack. This day also marks a three week milestone of my brother being admitted to ICU at Brogress Hospital. The same hospital and floor that my father was pronounced dead. However, my brother has much more promise in his prognosis. So let me update you with what I know, as if you were my family!

My brother is currently in the same room battling many of the same trials that have been placed before him since day one. He has been given a tracheotomy to relieve the tubes originally placed in his mouth. At this moment he is being treated with antibiotics for an acute psuedomoanus at the incision site of the tracheotomy. He was taken in this afternoon for a cerebral angiogram to determine if he was possibly having small strokes while in the hospital. Thankfully these tests came back indicating that strokes were not happening. My brother is being cared for by wonderfully amazing people and I can only imagine the best outcome. His quality of life is in question and doctors still have yet to answer the mortality question because of the infections and their limited ability to predict the future. We ask that if you care to visit that it be limited to family visits and not Bradley. We thoroughly expect him to soon be in a place where all those who love him will be able to spend time with him daily. At the moment, this is not that time. But he is healing and doctors hope to have him placed on another floor or possibly at Mary Free Bed Rehabilitation Hospital in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

For me, I am unrested. Most likely because this life is full of possibilities and probabilities. Hope and hindrance. Pain and pleasure. Juggling the magnitude of what has been placed before you and determining how you will respond. But may I ask you for a favor? As I continue to give you a glimpse of what our family may be enduring; would you be willing to share with us what may be hurting you? So that we can pray alongside you as you do for us? If this is too much to ask, I understand. I trust that this journey for us is larger than just waiting for Bradley to stand up and tell us he is ready to remove the life-supporting machinery he has attached to his frail body. No, I cling to the thought that the God that I serve is weaving strands together so that they may not be broken. That through tragedy, temptation, affliction, and torment, love can still win. We have friends that lost their beautiful five year old girl to cancer some months ago honoring her in a race tomorrow morning. Because of their story and painful transparency, love wins. We have a family that is suffering through the impact of their 18 year-old girl, about to go to college, and are digesting the news of her being injured in a t-bone car accident that placed her into ICU with brain trauma. We all have stories. We all have been to weddings and funerals. But life doesn't need to be put on a pedestal because of a celebration or desolation. A wedding or funeral does not need to take place for us to reflect on the moments we have been given. But because they do, I give you this.

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

We have each other to hold onto or to be held. But when we haven't the strength, and this will come... we have another player in the mix. You see, we will struggle through both weddings and funerals, but He will not be broken. Tears, laughter, sorrow, and joy. We are not alone. As you continue to pray for my brother, please continue to pray for our family. Many things have surfaced that in which my wildest dreams would not imagine. With that being said, we are so very thankful for all of you that have invested their time and hearts in sharing this journey with us. And especially for enduring my simple writings of hope and healing. Continue to pray for those that have yet to understand the peace and comfort that a God so caring would be willing to give. And maybe more importantly, continue to pray for us to be stretched to show love beyond reason! May life matter... truth matter... and YOU matter!

Random Noticings

Just in case you are reading this to get an update on Brad, this is not one of those notes. This is just a bunch of random ramblings and thoughts I decided to publish after observing some area churches and reflecting on religion. So if you're into random thoughts and such, this might be of interest. If not, you have been warned!

Churches. Denominations. Religion. Boy can it get confusing. Religion can be tricky. It can change your interests. It can become a country club in which only the elite are accepted. It can disguise a rotting heart. But that was not it's purpose. It was not intended to be a forum to "play house" and divide the polished and unpolished. It was not birthed to develop programs or systems to prove it's worth. It was meant to be the great equator. Where black, white, man, woman, Chinese, Japanese, rich, and poor become one. Simply put; it's worth is enough. It was and is the news that promotes self reflection of our inequities so we may be free from their weight. It is the impetus to understanding and the driver for unreasonable caring. Why? Because we are not so different. Because we have all fallen short. Not just me or you. Everyone under the sun. But do you believe this? It is freedom of shame and a request to free the shamed. It is a lifestyle change, not a diet. Not one in which we pray in public and reveal to others our deep knowledge of the ancient scrolls; then go home and indulge in lust, greed, gossip, and pride. No this religion should be one that exercises for results and models the right personal trainer. JC revealed some amazing methods to His clients. Some have taken it and have used it for self-promotion. Some have crossed His name off the "product" and "service" replacing it with their own. Some have misrepresented it and have packaged it as only achievable with their "product" or "service". Some have misunderstood His practices because they have trusted in the wrong trainer and have found themselves mending a wound. And some may blatantly eliminate the use of His training book and just fill themselves with supplements to achieve the results that they want. But what if His methods are simple and achievable? What if it was more than how good you are or how religious you become? What if you spent some time with JC and asked Him how it's done? What if this was what your religion looked like?

"Treat one another justly. Love your neighbors. Be compassionate with each other. Don’t take advantage of widows, orphans, visitors, and the poor. Don’t plot and scheme against one another." (Zechariah 7:6,9-10)

Maybe today could be a day to be religious doing these things!

Brad's Birthday

Two weeks and three days ago my brother and I were discussing tuxedo rentals, the birthday card he just received from our family, and the Super Bowl. Two weeks and two days ago a collision changed the tone of all our conversations. There have been many milestones since that day of Brad's accident. When Brad made it through the first night we were witness to a miracle of survival. When day three passed we watched my brother become more responsive to stimulation tests. By day ten we were made aware that his pupils were dilated at normal levels. On day 11 he opened his eyes. But today may be the most significant milestone to me personally. You see two weeks and two days ago I wondered if he would survive long enough to make it to his next birthday. None of our family planned out sending out Brad's birthday card early this year so that he would receive it the day before his accident; we could not have known. Matter of fact, I'm usually the guy that gets you the card the day after (sometimes later)! But my wife was on a mission this year and it was to make sure we didn't get February birthday cards out late again! Thanks to her, and my accidental early mailing, Brad was able to receive, read, and thank us for his card. One day before the accident. So today is a significant milestone because today is Brad's 29th birthday. I'm sure he would rather spend it somewhere more exotic or more backwoods country, but his current accommodations will do for us! His prognosis has yet to change and there have been no significant changes in the last few days, but today is a day to celebrate. I suppose not simply for the fact that my brother was born on this day during some hour in 1982, but that there is still life to live. Life unknown, but life to live. Part of me is thoroughly ecstatic that my brother, at the moment, is not consumed with the thoughts that many of us are weighted down by everyday. Thoughts that rob us of life. Worry, fear, gossip, greed, ambition, jealousy, worthlessness, and many others. Consumed with paying bills for things that wither away. Consumed with accomplishment and becoming important. Struggling with only seeing "can't" instead of "can". Becoming a master of the art of surviving while their dreams and promises fade away. My brother has been stripped down to a place in which all that exists for him are hopes, dreams, promises, and a future. What may even be more tragic than my brother's accident is that it often takes such circumstances for us to recognize that we are allowing the robbery to happen. Maybe our own robbery is even robbing others? Maybe we need to be stripped away from what we hold valuable to reevaluate the valuable? My hopes are that this isn't the process needed for you to see clearly that you have been granted life. You've been granted dreams and promises. Maybe your choices are leading you to the wrong destination? Maybe you are at a destination that wasn't by choice? Regardless of the way, when stripped down, when separated from the weight of this world, things seem to become much more freeing. So today is Brad's birthday. A day to celebrate the day he was born and given life. No material can equate to or pay more dividends than the gift of life. A day that he can celebrate the simplicity of life and count it pleasurable to breathe. No need for fancy paper to try to dress up what is underneath! Happy Birthday, lil brother! I pray that your life gives life to others!

More Clarity

Clarity. It is necessary for anyone to have in order to move forward. Congestion brings confusion, clarity brings progress. Tonight I have clarity. We are taking in each and every tiny victory and placing it on our shoulders for a march around the field! I have learned that my brother is no longer considered comatose. His response to invigorating tests have placed him into a different scale. Although he has yet to jump out of bed and kung-fu kick me in the chin, he is making progress. Still it is all about perception. Two days ago my brother had yet to open his eyes. Today he makes a crooked smile and has had his eyes open for hours. He is yet to be the man he was, but hope drives the man he will be. Doctors have indicated that he is at a Cognitive Level 2/3 in the coma stage. He is awake on and off during the day. He is making more movements than before. He is reacting to some things that he sees and hears. He is following some commands like, "Squeeze my hand". But it is going to be a long journey in which we are not thoroughly sure of the outcome. He now has a physical therapist and occupational therapist that will begin working with him and teaching his fiance and mother how to care for him. I'd like to think that we have moved from conversations about mortality to quality of life, but the doctors have not eliminated that thought. I'd be much more content if they did eliminate that thought, but I understand human error. But their information gives me clarity. As facts pour in and research is done, I see a God more marvelous than before working on a project far superior to any I've been witness to before. I like facts. They give me comfort and something to grip onto. Craziness happens when facts get messed up and things are no longer under our control. But I once heard that "He sends the foolish to shame the wise". So facts can validate something bigger than us. It messes up the wise! I love to know that Bradley is beating the odds. I love to know that Bradley has prayers being sent to him all over the world. I love that you are part of the story. I love that you are praying for him. Why? Because when we are wise, He shows up! I'd like to think that even when I have doubts and I start to buy into the brutal facts that I can still be proven wrong. I'd like to know that as I document this story and we witness it together we can measure my brother's progress by faith, not facts. Because each day given is a miracle! Facts indicate one direction, truth produces another. Facts tell us that his prognosis is poor. Things look bleak. The truth is that we don't know everything. While we would be more comfortable working to sell others to believe we know much, humility challenges me to believe I have much to learn. Why? I've seen marriages fixed that didn't deserve to be fixed. I've seen people on the brink of losing it all gain new life. I've seen relationships lost for years redeemed in a instant. I've seen people without dignity restored and pouring out dignity into others. I've seen people without a penny more satisfied than those with everything under the sun. How? Maybe you know and you've just had a hard time buying in. Maybe you are wise like me and it's just a bit too unpredictable to really call it what it is. But let me give you this... even doctors are calling my brother's progress a miracle. The wise being proven wrong. So tonight I have clarity. What about you?

MRI Results

One word, elation, defines my conversation last night in regards to Brad's status. One word, desolation, defines the news this morning. My brother has been in the neurological intensive care unit at Brogess Hospital since Friday, January 21st. Each day proceeds to be a tremendous emotional and spiritual journey with a wide variety of information and research. Unfortunately this information and research is funneled to me at a slower pace than desired and from a distance of around 1,200 miles. With that being said, ups and downs seem to come more often than anticipated. While my brother remains in Neurological ICU and over a foot of powdered snow invades the terrain around him, the "weather prediction" given by his Neurosurgeon seems to be far worse than a blizzard. Previous CT scans revealed that my brother had a cerebral contusion, better defined as an intraventricular hemorrhage, in the left-middle side of his brain. They had indicated that it was focused and singular (this means one hemorrhage, one spot). After my brother's MRI doctors found much more damage than previously suggested. They found multiple petechial hemorrhages in the left and right side of Brad's brain (more than one hemorrhage, all over the brain). These bleeds, which are not actively bleeding, are considered Grade IV bleeds (this means there is bleeding into the brain tissues around the ventricles). These bleeds could have happened in result of the collision or during the days of elevated cerebral swelling while in the Neurological ICU. Regardless of how these were acquired, this type of injury has a poor prognosis if the patient is comatose. The Neurosurgeon did suggest that these MRI facts do not conclude one's future. She stated that they have seen many clear MRI's and the patient never wakes up and MRI's in which the patient was far worse than Brad and the patient is drinking coffee, reading the news paper, and telling jokes. The key long term indicator, the one that leads to hope of recovery, is his response to treatment. Each day my brother, involuntarily or voluntarily, shows signs of improvement, he has a greater chance regardless of information and research. Although my brother is still considered comatose, there have been positive signs. There have been times where he moved his leg, hands, and yesterday he opened his eyes. So elation and desolation will come without my control of it's timing. It's almost humorous to me as I sit here thinking about it. The path of elation and desolation. Over the last several weeks we have been working with our little 3 year old princess, Emma Grace, and teaching her about her response to circumstances in life. The daily mantra has been "The only thing you can control is your response to the uncontrollable". Easier said than done! While her biggest issues usually pertain to having to clean up her toys, submit to the word "no", or wait until after dinner for ice cream, she is learning that we have choice. That even when the cards dealt seem to be worthless (we mainly play Go Fish these days) and our circumstances are unchangeable, we have choice. A choice to complain, digest fear, inflict wounds, and destroy our future. Or a choice of hope. A choice to build up, kick fear in the rear, heal wounds, and be confident of the future. One is a prison, one is freedom. And ultimately we are in control of the sentencing. Maybe you are dealing with something far greater than ice cream and cleaning your room. Maybe you don't see a way out or any hope whatsoever. Maybe you don't agree with our family mantra and you are about to take circumstances into your own hands. Then maybe I can leave you with some words that I didn't write. You see this chorus seems to meet you right where you are, in the middle of choice. Maybe the reminder within it can help you with your choice. Love wins...

"He Is With You"

He is with you when your faith is dead
And you can't even get out of bed
Or your husband doesn't kiss you anymore
He is with you when your baby's gone
And your house is still and your heart's a stone
Cryin' God, what'd you do that for?
He is with you

He is with you in the conference room
When the world is coming down on you
And your wife and kids don't know you anymore
And he is with you in the ICU
When the doctors don't know what to do
And it scares you to the core
He is with you

He is with you when your kids are grown
When there's too much space and you feel alone
And you're worried if you got it right or wrong
Yes he is with you when you've given up
On ever finding your true love
Someone who feels like home
He is with you

When nothing else is left
And you take you final breath
He is with you

He Opened His Eyes!

Brad had his monitor removed today. His swelling has stayed at excellent levels so they were able to proceed with an MRI. During the MRI Brad opened his eyes. When he was carted back around 7pm to Neurological ICU he kept them open and his fiancé and my mother were able to share the joy seeing his bright eyes again! After 11 days of being in a comatose state, his eyes were open. Something like 11 days our 11 years of having your eyes closed can seem like an eternity. But when they are open, joy and time are redeemed. He is sedated now and sleeping again, but we are juiced with hope! Keep praying and keep looking for God everywhere!

Day 10

Early this morning I was informed that the doctors believed that Brad had a staph infection called Staphylococcus Aureus which is in the MRSA family. They began treating him with an intense antibiotic called Vancomycin. Thankfully, after they allowed the culture to grow a bit longer and did some more research, they realized that they misdiagnosed the strand of infection and are now treating him for a much lower grade infection with an antibiotic called Meropemem. There is a small little victory dance going on in my heart. This is one of those times that you get excited about a misdiagnosis. It's kinda like when you see a really big guy that looks like he just came from a cage at a UFC event and you're pretty sure he could snap you with his eyes brows... and he ends up being a teddy bear who likes long walks on the beach! I've misdiagnosed a few things in my life. Even a few people. Sometimes we judge a situation or a person before we really allow the relationship to grow. We misdiagnose the culture and treat it with the strongest defense we know of. But what if we gave it some time? What if we went deeper and discovered more? Maybe we could lighten the treatment so to speak. Just a thought. Continue to pray for Brad, my brother. The prayers are felt and needed. Pray for our family. Continue to pray for the doctors and nurses serving our family and the many others in the Neurological ICU. Pray to see how you may be able to "lighten" the treatment on others! It may just be the right medication for healing...